“I don’t know how I did it!” The thought just came to me out of nowhere. While writing my book, Testosterone The New Drug Addiction, I was recalling the past five years of my life.
Through this process I keep experiencing “pop ups.” I coined the phrase “pop ups” several years ago while working on developing my emotional awareness. “Pop ups” are emotions that strike from out of the blue when you are recalling experiences, often unpleasant, that cause emotional pain. Pop ups are kind of like a hot kernel that escapes from the pan and catching one, though painful, will help you learn to understand that you can heal and let go.
One of my pops ups was back in August 2010 when I went for pellet therapy and the doctor asked if I had been agitated a lot lately. I said, “YES! Oh my gosh yes.” That’s because when I woke up that morning, I remembered that I left my purse on the patio. It had been stolen. The doctor said, “Okay, I’m going to up your dose.” And instead of eventually calming down from the calamity of stolen property, as most people would do, I got worse and became intense and agitated all the time.
The following December I went in for my Well Women’s annual and my doctor asked if I was agitated all the time. When I told her that I was agitated all the time, she told me that she was concerned because my testosterone was 437. At the time, I had no idea what that meant. Now I understand that women’s testosterone levels should range from 15-80. That is significant, so I will repeat that – women’s testosterone levels should range from 15 to 80.
Can you see why, I’m entitling my book Testosterone The New Drug Addiction? You are up and down. My testosterone levels were fluctuating month to month – one month it might be 400, the next 20, and then the next 250. I was in testosterone shock. Imagine what that does to your mind, body and spirit. It has been almost two years since my last hormone replacement and I love the peaceful space I’ve found myself in.
My hormones are now consistent. When I have a testosterone-induced memory (pop up), I can say, “Thank You God for allowing me to come through this with a little grace and dignity.”